Come Up Barbie

Okay y’all. Let’s be honest. We all know her.  She is either a friend, a family member or someone we really wish we didn’t know. She is Come Up Barbie. She may have her own house, car, all her own teeth, nice clothes, fresh hair, fresh nails and if she has kids, she cares for them just the same. But when you talk to her, she is doing those things for her and hers on her own, JUST until she finds the next wealthy victim willing to date her and take over the responsibilities. She is waiting on YOUR come-up, not hers. She is that girl who measures the value of her life only by the value of a dollar. She will lie, cheat and steal to fatten her wallet and have no remorse for whom she hurts while doing so.

                Come Up Barbie is that chick who has about 8 cents in her bank account but has no interest in a man who is making less than six figures. If you date her for more than a month and do not pay at least one of her bills, she is on to the next man who will. She feels her behavior is justified because you have spent a few nights at her place, eaten a few sandwiches and slept with her at least 10.2 times and let’s face it, “You gotta pay to play”. So, it seems logical to her that the 14 days of electricity you shared with her, the four ham sandwiches (one with cheese) and every creak of her mattress should equate to you paying her bills. Oh, and never mind the fact that you are not her child’s father. If you are spending time with her,  then Lil’ Scrap and Miss New New had better have the new Jordans when they come out.  

                Oh and you can be educated, but not TOO educated. After all, we don’t want to let anything or anyone overshadow the fact that she “done been to school”. So, to add to her more than lengthy list of demands, if you read more than one book per month and would rather watch The History Channel than Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, just don’t even call Come Up Barbie.

                She’s a little delusional too. She may date you and say that she has real feelings for you. But she still has it in her head that her ex, whom she has already informed you makes more money and drives a nicer car than you, still wants her back. And even though he has a kid and is marrying his baby’s mother in two months, she just knows he would break that off if he knew he even had a chance of coming “back home”. He has only been with this girl six out of the eight year it has been since they broke up because he is waiting for her to ask him to come back. Don’t get too comfortable.

                Come Up Barbie had other issues too. Because she “done been to school” and you “don’t pay no bills ‘round here”, she is never wrong.  She can call your mother a bitch in every language that book learnin’ has taught her, punch you in the face AND step on your shoe and the moment you restrain her, she is calling the cops. And just for good measure, because she knows you just got a raise, she is suing you and saying she is pregnant with your baby. Think she won’t.

                Come Up Barbie really doesn’t like you. You know that, right? She just knows that you are good to her kids and that you work hard. She sees more promotions in your future and soon she will be able to sit back, pop out a couple of kids and live the life that a *cough cough* lady as sophisticated as herself should be living. So keep on working those long hours, Boo.

                Be on the lookout for Come Up Barbie because she could be just about anywhere. She comes in all shapes, complexions, nationalities and from all walks of life. She used to come with a distinctive look, but once she began being identified more, like a chameleon, she began to adapt. Be forewarned that there is no longer a return policy for Come Up Barbie. Over the years, she has found ways to stick with you. I’m not saying don’t browse because you could potentially find some diamond dolls on the shelves. But I did want to give you a few warning signs in case Come Up Barbie catches your eye. Now you know to leave this fake bitch in the box.